You’d think reading labels wouldn’t be that complicated, especially for people who know how to read, but I’m here to tell you that when it comes to reading nutrition labels on junk foods, you’re doing it wrong. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that you’re doing it wrong when it comes to comprehending the nutrition labels that you’re reading. Tomato, tomato?

Thankfully I’ve developed a REVOLUTIONARY METHOD for reading (and comprehending) junk food nutrition labels. I was originally going to charge ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS because, money. But I changed my mind because you are so special. Awwww… So instead I’ll type that it’s worth ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS but only charge you zero dollars. Wow, can you believe it? Lucky day!

In fact I’m feeling so generous that I’m going to share this REVOLUTIONARY METHOD right here in this blog post instead of making you read a seventeen paragraph sales letter.

Enough of my fun-making of internet sales approaches? Ya, I figured. Without further ado…

How to read (and comprehend) junk food nutrition labels

Step 1: Read the part of the label that shows the calories.

Step 2: Read the part of the label that shows the serving size.

Step 3: Flip the package over and read the part that shows the size of the package.

Step 4: Divide the package size by the serving size. This number is the Face It You’re Going To Eat It All factor.

Step 5: Multiply the Face It You’re Going To Eat It All factor by the calories shown in Step 1. If you read nutrition labels on junk food as a means to decide whether it’s something you should buy, then this is the number you need to be looking at. Unless you’re one of those freaks who open a big bag of cheesies, eat four of them, and then close the bag and put it back in the cupboard. If you are one of those people, I retract my comments above – you own me ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Let’s look at some real world examples.

Which bag of chips should you buy?

At first glance, the second bag may look like a better option as it’s only 270 calories per serving, while the first bag is 350 calories per serving. But if you follow the steps above, you’ll notice that the first label is on a package that contains 66g of chips, while the second label is on a bag that contains 220g. Following the steps above, if you buy the first bag, you’ll eat 350 calories of chips, but if you buy the second bag, you’ll eat 1,188 calories of chips.

Side note – these are two different packages of the same product, so how is it that the recommended serving size is different?

What about these? They’re baked!

They are indeed baked, which means that this package is only 1,089 calories. So that’s better than the 1,188 calories for the large back of Lays, I guess. Except they probably won’t taste as good. For me personally, these are as bad as fake news. If I’m going to gorge on one thousand plus calories of something, it’s not going to be baked pita chips.

Now there is one possibility here – if they really don’t taste great, then maybe you won’t eat the whole bag? So that’s a calorie savings! If you’re like me, you’ll be all indignant and say “meh, this is not delicious. I’m not eating any more of these. Stupid baked pita chips.” And then within about five minutes, these stupid chips will have taunted you enough to go back into the kitchen to get some more. Followed by more indignation. And then more snacking. Until the bag is gone.

Too long didn’t read? Don’t bring big packages of junk food into the house unless you and all the other inhabitants of the house are freakishly able to resist eating the whole bag. Want chips? Buy the small bag. Want ice cream? Buy the small container. Want chocolate? buy the small bar.

Elsbeth Vaino, is a personal trainer who does not possess the ability to say no to a bag of chips if it’s in the house. And thus she will never say stupid things like “just don’t eat it” when you talk to her about your eating habits.